The Problem with 50-50 Relationships and Why They Are More Harmful for Black Women
Black men often “praise” us for the same qualities they will not marry us for. Our independence turns into lack of submission, our strength somehow morphs into aggression, and we’re told that we should be willing to pull our weight, go 50/50 with the bills, AND submit. Well, you can’t have your Kate and Edith too, because the reality is that for women, especially Black women, there is no such thing as 50/50.
Here is obligatory disclaimer #1: I am about to discuss a topic that many would claim I have no business having an opinion on because 1) I am not married and 2) I am not in a relationship currently.
Obligatory disclaimer #2: I am a cisgender, heterosexual, Christian-aligning Black woman discussing traditional western gender norms and offering commentary through that lens.
Obligatory disclaimer #3: I am on my own femininity journey and on a quest to determine what that term entails for ME. I have a whole playlist of podcasts, articles, and books in my arsenal. In essence, my opinions on feminine and masculine roles are actively being researched and shifted. The following thoughts are where I am presently on my femininity journey. I am completely aware of the belief that many, not all, of the hetero-normative masculine and feminine roles adopted in Western society fall within the boundaries of white patriarchy. Cultural norms and global differences are not all the same. So, take whatever I say with a grain of salt, or a spoonful of sugar :-).
The 50/50 Farce
The Rise of the Simp…Red Pill content…the nebulous concept of submission…the “lack of femininity” in Black women, these are just a few of the terms being thrown around by relationship experts, dating consultants, and commonfolk alike. I generally stay out of these conversations for precisely the same disclaimer I provided just a few paragraphs ago. But something just ain’t sittin’ right in my soul and I need to get it off my chest: the farce of the 50/50 relationship.
I had a conversation some years ago with someone I was interested in…(and dating?) Generally, what I said was this: I have no problem with complete submission to a man that is paying all of my bills. I think it is fair for that man to expect his house to be in order, his woman to be beautiful and fit (medical conditions aside), his home to be at peace, his meals to be cooked and warm, and for his bed to be hot and ready if he is the sole provider. I understand that this may change as children enter the picture, but the general tenants and expectations stand. However, with the rising cost of living and the ever-expanding financial requirements of “The American Dream,” most households require a two-person income to simply break even, let alone save, invest, or accumulate wealth.
Let’s go even deeper into this. If you are a Black woman who exclusively dates Black men, statistically, you BOTH make significantly less than your White and Asian counterparts. (See these studies: Black Workers Still Earn Less than Their White Counterparts and 2020 Racial Wage Gap - Compensation Research from PayScale.) The necessity of both partners working increases under the added burden of race. Additionally, the lack of generational wealth, social capital, or assets must factor into this equation somewhere. So, we’re left with the uncomfortable reality that in America, Black women must work in order to maintain society’s desired quality of life.
I may be strong, but I am not your mule
I am struggling with the (racist) trope of the strong Black woman. In my opinion, strong is a misnomer for mule, as Black women have been forced to wear the mantle of sole provider far more than they ever should. As a result, we have beat the odds, lifted our families from poverty and made Webbie rich. (I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means?). But at what cost?
Our femininity, our agency, and even our health.
This site is centered primarily on the well-being of Black women, so it is only fair to point to why the unfair pressure of 50/50 relationships disproportionately harms us. According to many studies, “African American women are three to four times more likely to die during or after delivery than are white women.” (America is Failing its Black Mothers | Harvard Public Health Magazine.) And further still, in the United States, where “…the infant death rates for all age groups is shown to be dropping, Black infants still die at twice the rate as White infants.” (Infant Mortality among Black Babies | The Pursuit.) Among the two leading causes of death in the United States for African Americans (Cardiovascular disease and Cancer), African American women have a higher prevalence of CVD risk factors and mortality than White women (Prevalent Health Concerns among African-American Women belonging to a National Volunteer Service Organization (The Links, Incorporated).) And compounding all of this is the fact that stress plays a key role in health overall, but especially among minorities, where “research shows that African Americans…have higher levels of stress than whites… and this stress helps to explain why these groups often have poorer health than whites.” (Stress plays key role in racial disparities in health.)
So when I say that it is unfair that women, Black women, must shoulder 50/50 relationships while still maintaining traditional gender roles with very little help, there are very real and dangerous implications other than not being able to “rest in our femininity,”; Black women and babies are dying under this burden.
What most men expect is that you will go 50/50 on the bills without them being fully committed to being 50/50 everywhere else. If we are going 50/50, then we go 50/50 all the way. That means you should be doing the kids’ hair and giving them their baths too. That means you should be learning to cook something other than Rice-o-Roni. That means you should be scrubbing toilets and checking homework as well. That means you should not expect me to walk around glowing and beautifully packaged for your pleasure and “your peace” 24/7. That means I get half the say as to how and where our finances work and go.
Image from Matthew Cherry’s Hair Love
When a woman goes to work as hard as a man, (and we can and we do), men have to understand that something’s gotta give. Too many women burn out by trying to be both god and goddess all of the time. The concept of Yin and Yang is at work here, as I believe both men and women have both masculine and feminine energy that they should master and utilize. However, in the traditional sense, we spend more time in one world than the other, the world that is most natural for our biological sex, our chosen gender, and our established role. It is not fair for women to operate 100% in her feminine energy and contribute 50% to yours, while the man operates 100% in his masculine energy and contributes nothing to yours. In 2021, most women are ready, willing, and more than able to work towards financial contributions, but just because women can fire on all cylinders in both worlds, doesn’t mean they should have to.
Dating Out has Affected How I Date In
As I have expanded my dating pool, what is very interesting to me is this: most of the white men I date don’t have this expectation of me, middle class or high-earning. In fact, most of them operate under the assumption that I shouldn’t work, but if I’d like to, that is fine (and this is regardless of if there are children or not). And they appreciate that I have my own substantial earnings and earning potential. BUT, when I encroach this topic with Black men and if I have the audacity to suggest that I would rather stay home, I’ve been called a gold digger or just looking for a “come up.” But what is crazy to me is that I out-earn most of these men! So where is the disconnect happening?
I have so many questions…but my only response is another anecdote.
When 50/50 doesn’t apply to his preferences
While in law school, I dated a man for a few months. He was Black, beautiful, and an investment banker that worked in Miami. We had a lot in common and he seemed to enjoy my company. He also made it known that he loved that I would one day be an attorney because the prospect of being a power couple was appealing to him. A few months into our relationship, we talked further about gender roles. (I mean, as a mature woman, these are things you should discuss before going all in with a man right?) From jump, it was clear that his expectation was always that the woman should work and that he was too successful to just take care of a woman that wasn’t pulling her weight. At the time, this was fine by me, as I was still in my “I’m Every Woman” phase of development. Needless to say, we parted ways for other reasons. (He cheated.)
Well, recently, he requested to be my Facebook friend. “Cool,” I thought. “I wonder what he’s been up to all of these years.” I was not shocked to learn that he had since started his own investment firm in Orlando. I was not shocked to see that he was married. I was not shocked to see that he had married a white Cuban woman. I WAS shocked to find that this woman did not graduate college, had worked as a salon receptionist prior to their marriage, and now was a stay-at-home mother to two lovely boys.
Ok.
(Just to be clear, I am in NO WAY shaming this woman for her choice of employment. In fact, these student loans often make me understand why so many people forego college altogether.)
What happened to “I need an independent working woman”? What about the “I’m not taking care of a woman that isn’t pulling her weight?” I can’t help but wonder did the bass in that requirement soften as the skin tone lightened? OR, is it that the definition of “pulling her weight” means different things for different races? OR, is this a case of pretty privilege? Why did he not see the emotional AND financial value of a Black woman staying at home with his babies like he did of a White Hispanic woman doing the same?
I don’t know. But part of me suspects that Colorism plays a larger role than we think in Black male requirements for Black women and this 50/50 cult of courtship that has formed around the concept.
Please don’t misunderstand me: I love Black men, prefer Black men, and all of my significant relationships have been with Black men, but I live and work heavily in the White world as well. And in dating in that world, I see that these conversations about 50/50 relationships are just not happening to the extent that they do among Black twitter feeds and Facebook threads. Women have the agency to choose their life, but what I increasingly see as my dating life becomes more diverse is that in the Black community, 50/50 is expected and generally required; in the White community, a wife at home is aspirational and desired.
And what I find so sad is that in a world where women finally have the options and resources open to them to work, for Black women, the one option many of them wish they had, (to be stay at home wives and mothers), is not even on the table. All I want is for Black women to have the OPTION to stay home and fully embrace traditional feminine roles IF THEY CHOSE TO without the additional burden that requires you to be superman and superwoman simultaneously.
So, when I say 50/50 is a farce, it’s not just because it is unrealistic; it is because it is unfair and unhealthy.
To women, but specifically to Black women…
How to make 50/50 fair
So, what’s the takeaway here? A few points:
Men need to be realistic and fair about what 50/50 means. It DOES NOT mean the woman contributes her income while still being expected to fulfill all her traditional roles; it DOES mean you must give up some of the rights (and privileges) of patriarchy.
Black men must ask themselves whether this requirement that women should work and not simply be “taken care of” only applies to Black women, and not women of other races. And if this is the case, examine why your standards are different. Are they rooted in the myth of the “strong Black woman,” embedded in colorist beliefs, a product of “pretty privilege,” or some combination of the three?
Maybe it is time we re-examine how we define success. Is it such a bad thing that you make less money, but your partner is happy, operating in HER femininity, and raising strong Black children with compassion, agency, and a focus on the Black family? Why don’t you value the contributions that women who stay at home bring to your life in other ways outside of finances? Is that her only worth to you?
Is this belief in Black women working as hard as a man a CULTURAL value, or is a racist bastion of slavery that we should be actively working to dismantle?
What say you?
